On faith and forgiveness

In my spirituality, as an unshakable atheist, I find it meaningful to replace other religions’ concept of “God” with humanity. I find it incredibly moving and meaningful.

In that framing, the most meaningful act I can do is to love, and to be loved. To love God is to love my humans, those near and those far. To love and be kind to each other.

A friend and I have recently really deeply hurt each other. One evening, a dear friend asked me why I was always apologizing for the hurt I caused. Did I not acknowledge the hurt that she caused me? Was that not an important part of my story? Why focus so much on the pain I’ve caused her when I wasn’t okay?

I have forgiven her, I said. I know she has hurt me, and I know it’s real, but I still love her.

For me, to forgive is an act of love. Forgiveness is what you give someone you love when they hurt you. Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s not asking for turning away from the hurt, it’s not excusing the inexcusable. It is saying “you have hurt me, and I still love you”. She has hurt me, and I still love her.

The core of my spiritual practice is to expand my love in places it wasn’t before. Loving someone further from me, feeling close to people I don’t want to love. Forgiveness is one of these core acts, to love someone when it hurts.

However, my faith not only demands to love, but to be loved. I not only want to forgive, but I want forgiveness. I want us both to see our hurt, to know it, and to love each other through that hurt.

But as much as I can give forgiveness, it is not mine to demand. Forgiving someone is for ourselves to love, and for the other person to be loved. It is so tempting to wonder what I can do to regain trust, to make amends, to beg for forgiveness. But still, it is not mine to give. I can’t do anything other than to have faith that, maybe someday, she will forgive. That for me to love, to be loved, I need faith in her, have faith in humanity, have faith in God.